akie turns 31; masters the #selfie

what follows now is a triptych of #selfies from this past week.  wherein I released my first solo record, taped a solo concert for television, and had my first voluntary birthday party in about, well, 10 years.

since I actually am really weirdly sensitive about looking at photos of myself, I’ve been forcing myself to do more #selfies.  of course, i find it a bitter pill to swallow, but it must be done!  the introvert must learn!

following each photo, a description.  as I am pretty sure, after a week and half of doing #selfies, I am now a master.

thank you, and good night.


Part I: good #selfie
photo 2


nota bene: I am centered. I got all my friends in the shot. they look OK, but NEVER BETTER THAN ME, there are multiple skin tones represented, and a few important details [read: someone has glasses, someone has a hat, someone ISN’T smiling].

the group #selfie is the most difficult but also the most forgiving of all the #selfies. if done moderately right, you have a clear #FTW situation on your hands.

You should consider this deeply.

Part II: bad #selfie

photo 1


well, here is a fine example of a perfectly simple #selfie gone terribly wrong.

for one thing, never #selfie yourself near a picture of yourself. nothing makes your #selfie look more terrible than it getting #photobombed by a much better photo of you. the positioning here is bad and that is the great trouble with all real #selfies.

nota bene: a Real #Selfie is taken with the camera on the back of the phone. the quality is usually better but, downfall, you have no way of knowing what your photo looks like. you must capture by feel — and this is the challenge but also the reward. the more difficult the shot, the better it is done, the more you my self-congratulate which, we know, is the #subtextOfSelfie.  

finally, I wore blue and aqua and I’m sort of a red-prone brown fellow and there was red on the walls and so I look flushed. nervous. drunk? maybe just: reddish. either way, it’s too bad. this was on the set of @bkindiemedia’s #BSIDE. had I set up better, I would have had a very cool #selfie.

still, we learn more from this than we would from a decent #selfie. we grow.

finally, Part III: the elusive EXCELLENT #selfie

photo 3


now this is master-level work, folks. so don’t try this at home (seriously, a home #selfie is the lowest common denominator of #selfie. if you aspire to greatness, out yourself in wondrous environs). this is an excellent #selfie. and the reasons why are simple, yet profound. for one thing, the composition of this #selfie is ME and the unintelligible background stuff. this is crucial and all about balance. too close and you only get my face or partial-facial (which is almost always an #epicfail); too far away and you’ll be able to see that I was at Rockwood Music Hall in the big bar, hanging with a bunch of folks after a show. #tmi. this is a #selfie, not the New York Times!  

facts distract us from the very essence of this methodology. here, the facts are nearly completely muddled. and thus do we have something that approaches the zen-zenith of the craft, the: #selfOfSelfie. you see me, a cute shirt/tie combo. a white jacket (and think: “damn! a WHITE jacket? Akie is the man!). it’s all me, and then abstraction.


observe, too, that I am, myself, out of focus. as if in action. but this is a #selfie — no such thing as action. and yet, the blur distinguishes me from myself, the #selfOfSelfie. lastly, excellence is assured by the details here: flash in a dark room with an iPhone = over-exposure. note, though, that with proper *subtle* filtering you can turn that fault into a favor. no redness here. so that all the blue and white does not draw you away from my face. mark the open mouth. things which would be uncouth or even downright disgusting in other photos or in the company of intelligent human beings serve the #selfie very well. the mouth is open to an alarming wideness, and at a rakish angle (who is he yell/smile-in at? some one off camera? we, the viewer? or perhaps, meta of metas, to his future self. we can only wonder…)

and the piece de resistance, observe the only other discernible entity in the photo — my musical compatriot, Lynette Williams — completely un-acknowledging the #selfie. in the world of #selfie, this is known as the #spectator. in this art-form, where all is reversed, capturing someone on camera who is NOT observing you is huge. especially if they are going about their own business quietly and politely. this only draws contrast to the douchiness of the art-form. only better alienates the subject from his surroundings and from any sense of decorum or class. further heightening that most precious prize: the #senseOfSelfOfSelfie. a true master can do this with a single shot, perfectly framed, perfectly timed. and thus achieve an EXCELLENT #selfie.

You should consider this deeply.


About akiebermiss

pianist, composer, singer, writer. hater.
This entry was posted in by way of introduction and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s